Sometimes it can feel like the closer we get to ourselves, the further we move away from our relationship.
The tension between our wishes, hopes and aspirations suddenly can feel at odds with the life we have built with our partner.
How does this even happen?
Well I can tell you a few reasons why.
LIFE
Responsibilities, life stages, children, loss...
But as much as anything else we so often get caught up in the 'should be's' and our relationships don't escape this.
How many times have you found yourself saying - 'we should be...' or 'I should be...' and trying to squeeze your complicated, nuanced relationship in to a societally formed heart shaped box?
We don't just wake up as strangers to ourselves and each other...it's a slow burn. One that takes hold subtly.
It can feel like an all consuming task to just reclaim a bit of that old familiar and if you're not competing against each other to claim that for yourself, then you're desperately pouring energy in to your relationship and potentially sacrificing your own needs.
But there is a half way point - or at least one that serves everyone.
A starting point is to reconnect with what your individual needs are. What you have held on to, what you have let go of and what you'd like to reclaim.
Secondly it's about seeing how much time and attention you're spending looking after your relationship.
Are you functioning and running alongside each other, or are you standing face to face. Eye to eye?
When is the last time you reconnected with the dreams you had in those early days or the plans you were hatching before stuff got in the way?
It might not be possible to skip around the world right now like you were dreaming of before you took that 9-5 job, but injecting your lives with a bit of creativity is possible in any and all circumstances. It just requires a little bit of imagination.
Here's My Top Tips For Getting Started:
Set up a couple of hours together to take stock of your relationship.
Create a timeline of your time together.
Map out the significant events; including the good and the bad.
Talk about the things you imagined you might do, but haven't.
Talk about the things that happened that weren't in the plan.
Next:
Create a future oriented timeline for the next few months.
Create a shared goal and an individual goal each. If you have children, create a family oriented goal too.
Think about your strengths and who might take the lead on different aspects. This is about connection, not division of labour.
Pop me a message and let me know what you learned and how you got along!
With Love,
Ash